Infidelity Survival: How to Stop the Affair Upon Discovery of the Infidelity
Posted: Friday, April 10, 2009
by Katie Recknagel
It is most often the case that you cannot directly stop the affair. In reality, the more you try to directly get your cheating spouse to stop the affair, the more unlikely it is that the affair will indeed stop. Particularly for the affair type: "I fell out of love...and just love being in love", a direct assault will often result in the affair couple actually escalating their contact or emotional involvement. But, you do stand a chance, and sometimes a very good chance of influencing the cessation of the affair if you are smart! Being smart means taking some time to stand back, assess the type of affair and then plan a course of action that might
get you the results you want. Or, at least, by taking some calculated action, you will feel more empowered, and feel better about yourself. Now, standing back for most is very difficult.
For example, when feeling the fear of being displaced or losing something vitally important, a person may lash out, become aggressive. Watch out! S/he externalizes the pent up feelings and energy. S/he rants and raves. S/he threatens (to kick him out...even though that is not what s/he truly wants), s/he pushes, prods, asks questions unendingly and begs, pleads, cries... all to no avail. These reactions
trigger in the spouse a desire to flee. Or, the wounded spouse may use the tactic of internalizing and withdraw. S/he bears the pain within, and then may become depressed and assume the role of victim. Others are concerned about his/her mental and emotional health and what s/he might do. The loud message is: "care for me." Out of guilt, the cheating spouse may move close but there will be smoldering anger that will eventually destroy the marriage or relationship.
Please realize that these responses are automatic. No real consideration is given to wonder "why am I doing this? Where does this come from?" Under the pain of the discovery of infidelity many go back to the default pattern of emotionally caring for one's self. And have no doubt, these patterns will only create further distance. Part of what I teach those impacted by infidelity is to step back and see the
patterns. Difficult? Not really.
Most of us simply don't realize that there are different patterns. Once this awareness sinks it... and it doesn't take very long... a person feels empowered. "Hmmm, I DO have choices? Wow! What a relief." (I regularly receive emails from those who have read my 7 types of affairs and different strategies for each, who comment on the remarkable change in their feelings after they have digested the 7
types of affairs.) At that point, one stops reacting (by externalizing, pushing and being aggressive or... by internalizing and playing the victim role), steps back, evaluates the situation, and finally begins a pursuit of that which WILL work to change the course of himself or herself, and ultimately influence the nature of the affair.I'll give you some examples of how this all works.
Affair #6 is "I Need to Prove My Desirability." There is an underlying belief of one's relational and sexual inadequacy that goes back in time. Often the person encountered some form of sexual abuse or extreme sexual confusion as a child/teenager. When the wounded spouse discovers the affair, s/he may aggressively approach the cheating spouse. There may be name calling. S/he may verbally assault him/her. There might be demands to end the affair. The cheating spouse then withdraws into his or her feelings of inadequacy and the affair or sexual acting out might continue. The greatest chance for the wounded spouse to stop the affair is simply to listen. Yes, that's right. Open the door so the cheating spouse can talk. Track down and acknowledge his or her sense of inadequacy. Easy? No. But, often well worth it.
Or, Affair #4 "I Fell out of Love... and just love being in love." This is the classic emotional affair. And, of course, the wounded spouse may feel tremendously inadequate as a person, as a lover, and as a spouse - and may then incessantly seek out assurance from the cheating spouse. This generally repulses the cheating spouse and then s/he jumps right back into the arms of his/her lover. (And, they have juicy
conversations about the "crazy" behavior of the spouse at home - now they understand why they both want an affair!)
Once the wounded spouse stands back and learns, s/he realizes that the best strategy may be to back off. After all, this type of affair is based on an attempt to redo a stifled adolescent love life. And like an adolescent, the "in love" feelings have a shelf life, sometimes not very long.
In affair #2 "I Don't Want to Say No" the wounded spouse is quite often in the habit of deferring to his or her spouse. S/he may tolerate a large degree of emotional distance in the marriage and may also put up with a great deal of acting out behavior on the part of his/her spouse, including an affair, or series of affairs. The wounded spouse "swallows." The wounded spouse may have influence if s/he begins to employ behavioral consequences, to the point in which the cheating spouse is in grave danger of losing a great deal. Then, the wounded spouse takes action, as s/he never has before.
Infidelity is exceptionally complex. And the act of infidelity arouses intense emotions. Instead of being lost in knee-jerk reactions and emotions, it most often pays off to step back, evaluate the type of affair you're dealing with, and then, with new-found confidence and power, try out some new behaviors that might stop the affair.
I am dedicated and passionate about educating and helping people face the infidelity crisis in their marriage or relationship. My goal is to help couples as well as infividuals cope with the unique extramarital affair facing them. I provide useful articles to help identify types of affairs and plan different tactics to stop the infidelity or extramarital affair quickly and help heal the pain and agony in order to survive the affair. surviving infidelity and infidelity support
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